Earlier today at an infamous chain coffee shop that I shouldn’t frequent as often as I do (or at all for that matter).
Barista: Hi! What can I get for you?
Me (in brain is in a zillion other places, eyes are glazed over, rapid-fire response mode): Uh, I’d like a grande iced non-fat chai. Wait. No. I mean a grande non-fat iced coffee. Um, I mean I want a grande iced non-fat mocha. Yeah, that’s what I meant. Final answer.
Barista (with a bit of trepidation in her voice): Do you want whip cream on that?
Me (compensating with an overly decisive tone): No, no whip cream, thank you.
I thought I was doing a decent job of concealing it. I think I’ve been deluding myself.
I am exhausted. Brent is exhausted. This parenting stuff is really hard. It’s especially hard when there’s only two of you and your 5 (almost 6) and 6 year old kids arrived from Ethiopia only 5 months ago (at least it seems especially hard, but how would I know, I’ve never experienced it any other way).
Brent and I have, since the very early years of our relationship, always operated under a “together we can conquer the world” mentality. It has served us well. Together we can conquer the world. In typical Brent and Dakota fashion we have devised and choreographed a grand plan to make sure the kids’ educational needs and our career requirements are met without compromising the kids' needs for quality time with their new parents.
It looks something like this:
4:30 AM – Dakota wakes up before her alarm (usually) to get ready for work. The house is dark and silent when she rises and is not much lighter or more noisy (sometimes the dogs get up with me) when she leaves at 5:40 to be to work at 6:00.
5:45 AM – Brent gets himself out of bed (a modern miracle considering Brent’s love for sleep and ability to completely tune out even the most annoying alarm clocks) and prepares to get the kids ready for school. They have one hour to dress, eat a nutritious breakfast, brush their teeth, moisturize their skin, and head out the door with a nutritious lunch. One child is notorious for being the slowest eater in the world (seriously). Brent works mini-miracles daily to make this happen.
7:00 AM – Brent drops the kids off at school and begins the 45 minute commute to work in Santa Barbara.
Both of us work our tails off at our respective jobs.
2:30 PM – Dakota leaves work, an 8 hour work day completed, and picks up the kids from school. The afternoon is spent at the playground, playing at the house, running quick errands, and at numerous doctors’ appointments. The idea is to provide the kids with a chance to spend quality time with mommy for several hours each day.
6:00 PM – Brent is home. Dinner usually must be started. Alternating days are bath nights for the kids.
8:00 PM – The kids start getting ready for bed with the goal of having them lying down, listening to daddy read them a story by 8:30. Usually it happens. Sometimes it’s later; sometimes a major meltdown happens instead. The hour or so we manage to stay up past getting the kids in bed is spent debriefing the day and preparing for the next one.
Under this schedule Brent and I continue to work our respective 40 hour work weeks so as not to let our employers down. The kids get quality (mostly) time with their parents every day. Brent and I get no time for each other and no time for ourselves.
I don’t think its working all that well. We’re keeping it together – so far. The kids are happy and healthy and our bosses are content, but I think we might be cracking. If and when something has to give, what will it be? How are we going to add in 6 hours per week of mandatory volunteer time at the kid’s new school come August? What are we going to do with them from 7:00 AM until 8:30 AM when their new school starts? How long can we go on abusing our own sanity and health (Exercise? When at 3:00 AM?) before the kids feel the effects? What can we do differently?
Post script: This is not a whine or even a rant. Just a reality check. Just the honest truth on how things are going. We know we signed up for this and do not regret our decision for a moment (except for maybe at 1:00 AM when the pressure valve on the toilet mysteriously blows, rapidly filling the bathroom with water and all arrows point to little fingers that just can’t stay out of places they shouldn’t be).
This doesn't sound like anything like a rant or a whine. Sometimes saying it out loud (and what's more "out loud" than the Interwebs?) is a way of making the shape of something that's hidden (or has slowly become the new normal) *real* in a way that you can take a step back and look at the thing from all sides and say, "Hmph! Who in the world designed THAT? And what the heck are we supposed to do with it now that it's here?"
ReplyDeleteConsidering that your family has doubled in size and is just five months old, I want to say to you that I will be over in the morning with breakfast and books or that dinner is on the way and that laundry is all set. But considering that I'm in Massachusetts, please take the virtual form of that which looks like <3 and xoxo jsc
OK, your post script made me laugh out loud.
ReplyDeleteJonathan and I made it 6 months with both of us working 40 hours a week before we cracked - and that was with a 6 month maternity leave and one comparatively emotionally uncomplicated infant! I ended up in a conference with my boss in tears and a 30 hour/week work week. The end result for us: we both work part time. Until the economy folded, that meant about 30 hours a week each. Now it's more like 35 for Jonathan and, in a good month, 20 for me. I don't know how people do two 40 hour a week jobs for the long haul - it leaves no time for self or couple and, unless you have a lot of cash and help, a fragile system vulnerable to things like different school start times, cars conking out, sick kids &/or parents, etc. etc.
You will find a balance. It will take time and trial and error. Don't be afraid to think outside the box. And it will get easier - your family unit will strengthen, the kids will get older and more independent. I see a huge difference when I look back over 6 months or a year; our kids are more able, less physically demanding (don't think the emotional part ever goes away :-)
Wish I could come cook you some meals!
Elizabeth
I wish I had some good advice for you! I can just say that, yes, it is brutal. It is the extreme sport version of parenting. It is intense and relentless as well as joyful and beautiful. But yeah, joyful and beautiful is pretty elusive at 1am!! And it is NOT whining. It's a kindness to your fellow sleep deprived, stressed out APs who are secretly wondering if they are the only one about to crack.
ReplyDeleteI wish I was there, or better yet, I wish you were here or in Iowa. Yes, we are moving there once we sell our house. It would make life MUCH simpler. But, the fact that you are wayyy over in CA (nd love it there)isn't helping your situation. You have to realise that you didn't have the children since they were babies. With babies you get to gradually learn all this new stuff. You got a 5 & 6 year old. BAM! Just like that, with all the things that sweet little children want and do.
ReplyDeleteDo I look at this as a whine? He** no! But if you could find a sitter for a few hours and just be Brent & Dakota for a few hours, that would help alot! I love you guys, all of you. Try to find someone who would do that for you.
Your accelerated entry into the world of parenting has put you, at warp speed, into the place that all parents eventually come to: how do we do this? What do we sacrifice?
ReplyDeleteIf we were RL friends, I'd talk through with you what could change and I'd find out how I could help. Since we're not, and since I'm really far away from CA (like all the other posters, unfortunately), all I can say is that based on what I've seen so far -- and based on the fact that you've identified and articulated this problem -- I trust you and Brent to work it out.
One of my hardest adjustments to parenting was the realization that I can't devise permanent parenting solutions. The best I can do is to figure out what works NOW. Over time, the solution gets modified... or becomes ineffective... or becomes a new problem. It's tough for organized types who want to nail everything down, but it's also one of the ways that parenting has made me a better and more competetent person. Blessings on your family!
My goddess, Dakota. You and Brent as such wonderful, wonderful, wonderful people. I love, love, love you and your family. I totally understand your post here. I get it, fully. Woman, you are strong. One of the strongest women I know (and I know some amazing women). And Brent, come on! You married yourself one heck of a guy there. You two are super gentle, generous souls who will come through this okay. A little weary for sure, but I have complete faith in you all.
ReplyDeletepart time work (when possible) for 1 parent would really help. it goes fast and then its over...people in the fifties didnt have it all wrong...someone running a home works wonders on inner home relations. hang in there!
ReplyDelete